To avoid this, it therefore crucial to realise that withholding your temper and taking perceived insults makes you emotional independent. By controlling yourself instead of trying to control others you avoid needless frustration. This is not withstading that anger does not only fail to motivate the person but often gets the opposite to what you want. Incentive and not coercion builds relationships.

To avoid this, it therefore crucial to realise that withholding your temper and taking perceived insults makes you emotional independent. By controlling yourself instead of trying to control others you avoid needless frustration. This is not withstading that anger does not only fail to motivate the person but often gets the opposite to what you want. Incentive and not coercion builds relationships.

Do not attempt to calm your spouse

• This will often fail because he or she will think that you are invalidating their hurt feelings
• Another reason is that your spouse feels helpless and ineffective and anger is the only way to get control
• Finally your spouse may believe that you really care about yourself as it is embarrisng for you to have people to see or hear your spouse’s angry outburst

Do not retaliate

• Often when one is attacked they counter with their own complaints. However this will fail as an angry spouse is in no mood to listen
• Your defense will be seen as confrontional and, if anything, will escalate hostilities

Do not become defensive

Defensive responses such "I didn’t mean it" or "You do it too" merely increases resentment, especially as this signalling to your partner that you are merely protecting yourself from blame and that ultmately you don’t care about your spouse’s feelings

Try to empathize instead being criticising

• Empathy will generally diffuse anger because it acknowledges the feelings of your spouse
• However, even here, do not express empathy until your partner’s anger has subsided or you will not be heard no matter what your good intentions

Focus on the broader picture

• people loose their temper because they concentrate on trivial things instead of focusing on the bigger picture
• your focus therefore is to avoid instensifying your spouse’s hositility, especially with the realisation that the whole incident will pass

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